Life and its Transitions

Here I am in yet another transition in my life. My time in San Francisco sadly came to an end at the end of September (I will have to write another post on my last few weeks in SF). I miss those kids and the beautiful city so much! About two weeks after moving home I moved to Logan Utah. I am  here to go to USU in January and wanted to be settled with a job before school starts. So here I am in Logan, working in the deli at Walmart, and signed up for school in January. I am in a transition. I am here in this town, that I am growing to love, and trying to figure out where life is taking me. I'm trying to make a social life but I work until at least 10 pm every night and it makes it hard. Thank goodness for my roommates and their friends that come over to the apartment and humor me haha. I also love that I live 5 minutes from the temple and have been able to go there often. I love the love, comfort, and peace that I feel there. Still I feel the sting of transition. Life is full of transitions and I know that they will keep coming. I still hate them. I have a comfort zone and until I feel comfortable I can be painfully shy. I  don't know if anyone has seen the real me here yet. I am comfortable with my roommates but I am just not home often when they are. I also worry about intruding on peoples lives. Might sound stupid but it is how my anxiety thinks. Anxiety also doesn't make transitions easy for me. Something my dad always tells me, put the Lord first and everything else will fall into place. I know this is true and I am striving to live this principle but I like to see the whole plan and I am only getting small pieces at a time.  I think I am constantly trying to be taught patience but I am also very stubborn. I should probably work on that..... All this being said, I know I am where I am supposed to be. I know that I am on the path that Heavenly Father wants me to be on and that His plans are always greater than mine. I am excited to see what is in store for me here in Logan, Utah. So here is to learning to embrace and enjoy the transitions that life is full of.

Happy 27th To Me!

So I just turned 27! It seems so weird to say that. Didn't I just turn 18? 21? shoot 25?. I feel like I have been celebrating my birthday for the past 4 days. One day I went and got my hair done, the next I toured alcatraz and went to dinner with friends, the third day I spend with Kenadie and watched the warriors game, and then tonight I had dinner with my nanny family. Overall it has been a great weekend and I felt loved by all the posts and phone calls to celebrate my birth.

I have a really good feeling about my 27th year! I have been thinking today about what I hope to achieve in this year. Mostly I want to work and build my relationships and to become a better me than ever before.

I want to build my relationship with myself. My parents have always told me that I am way too hard on myself, which I am beginning to see is true. I expect a lot of myself and want to be perfect. It just isn't going to happen. I am human! This year I want to try and focus on doing my best and accepting that perfection just isn't going to happen. I have also been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time now. It isn't something I talk about often because it its kind of a taboo subject. But it is apart of who I am. This year I want to do a better job at combating my depression and anxiety the best that I can. I have been taking note of things that tend to help with it. Getting outside helps me a ton. I have loved just going on walks and clearing my head. Listening to music and just pushing the stress aside for the time. I find that sitting on my couch and watching netflix night after night makes things so much worse. So this year I want to limit my tv time and find new hobbies and new activities to do outdoors or just things to occupy my time besides tv or social media. Going back to school this year should help with that :). Yet I want to be sure I use my time wisely this year and schedule time for not only school and work but for myself as well. I think it is really important for me to make sure I have a little time in there for activities I enjoy so that I don't totally stress myself out and put too much on my plate at once.

One of the big things I want to do this year is build relationships with others. This past year in San Francisco I have realized I should have done a better job at making more friends here. I didn't take advantage of my singles ward like I should have. If I have one regret about my time in San Francisco it is this...Don't get me wrong the friends I have made here are so great and I love them dearly, but there are so many I think I would have loved to be friends with. Now my time is almost up and then I have to start all over again in Utah. Putting myself out there to make friends is really hard for me. Again my anxiety plays a major role in this. I am shy until I get to know someone and/or feel comfortable in the situation. I tend to sit by myself in a corner all the while hoping someone will come over to talk or sit with me. It doesn't happen as often as I would like and when it does I am so shy that I don't make to many friendships from it. So my goal for this year is to stop sitting alone and actually going and sitting by someone and starting a conversation. I also want to go to institute and ward activities, something I have never been good at doing before. These are also suggestions my dad has told me to do over and over again. Sorry dad that I haven't listened before but I am finally ready to now. This one is going to be so hard for me to do so it might take baby steps to complete, but I really want to do this. I want to make the most of my time in Logan and build the friendships like I left back in Idaho. I need to have confidence in myself and let others see who I really am.

Last but not lease,  I want to build my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the gospel. I have had a weird year where I doubted and I was also kind of angry about some of the trials I face, but I also had a year where I have felt my Heavenly Fathers love more than ever before. I KNOW He is there for me, guiding me, and most of all loving me. Sometimes it is hard for me to feel that because I get so prideful. I think I can do things on my own and I have things handled. I also sometimes feel like I deserve the pain I am feeling. But WHY? I don't have to be alone in any of this. The Savior is the only one who KNOWS exactly what I am feeling. He has paid the price for me and for all of us and if I don't use this gift it was all for not. The Savior and the Father love me no matter what I have done. This year I am going to try and put aside my pride and accept Their help. Why am I struggling to do things alone when I just have to turn for Heavenly help?

So these are the things I want for myself this year and I can't wait to see what it brings! There is bound to be struggles and obstacles in making these goals, but there is always going to be. If I keep making baby steps toward my goals I know I can make this the best year yet!

Life's Adventures

So I have officially been in San Francisco for 8 months! What an adventure this has been! It sure has been a roller coaster and I have learned so much about myself; but first let me tell you about my nanny family.

I feel so lucky and blessed to work for the family that I do. I just love them all. I get to work with three kids, a seven year old girl and four and two year old boys. They are really great kids. The seven year old loves to do anything crafty and always wants to look on pinterest with me to find our latest project. She is also very much into gymnastics and has been practicing her cartwheels and front flips constantly. It took me a little bit to win this feisty little girl but now that I have she is so sweet. The two boys are into everything vehicle. They both love to watch construction and play with their many toy trucks. The two year old always asks to watch tractor videos on youtube. The four year old is one of the sweetest little boys I have ever met. He compliments if he thinks you look pretty and always says things that make my heart melt. The two year old has so much energy but so cute and knows how to work his cuteness. Both parents and their family around here have been so welcoming and great to work with. I feel so appreciated and I just love these kids, even on the hardest days.

As much as I love my job and this city, it hasn't always been easy. I have probably never been so lonely in my life. I have made some great friends here but it has been difficult being away from my family and friends back home. I got so used to always being on the go and with someone that it has taken some adjusting to doing things on my own, especially in such a big city. I have spent many nights in tears so lonely and wondering if anyone cares. I spent my first Thanksgiving all by myself and that was really hard. I took myself to a movie and buried my sorrows in chocolate. I have probably questioned everything in my life while in this dark place. I questioned my faith, my self worth, my relationships, and my ultimate goals in life. Despite all these hardships, I have NEVER once regretted my decision to move to San Francisco and being a nanny. Recently in a book I have read called, After You, the main character said this, "Because there would be lonely days. And bad days. and days when I wondered what the hell I had just agreed to be part of. Because that was all part of the adventure too." I have felt all of these things, but it is just a part of this adventure. I have learned and grown so much because of those lonely and hard days.

To try and combat these lonely days I have enrolled in an American Sign Language class. It is so hard but I love it. We are working on being able to form sentences and be able to communicate. This class allows me to get out once a week and socialize with a variety of people. My teacher is great and so funny. I think I am starting to improve and maybe just maybe catch onto everything he is trying to teach us. I have also learned how important my faith is too me. I may have questioned at first but I have had experiences here that helped me hold onto my faith. I started going out with the missionaries to help them with lessons. I started to do it for the socialization and ability to get out of the house. It then turned into me getting very passionate about the subject matter. I have also learned who will always be there for me. My parents will always be there for me. Thank goodness I have a mom who sends me hundreds of pictures of the puppies and is willing to answer my daily phone calls. My dad has been so great on my darkest of days, talking me down and giving me great advice. My sis has also had the kids send me pictures they have colored and we have skyped a lot. I have  had friends back home who will randomly call me. These calls have always been very well timed. It seems like they always come when I am feeling particularly down.  I have also been blessed with great home teachers and sisters in the Relief Society, and other nannies. They have all been there for me when I have needed it, whether it has been for blessings or just needing to talk to someone. Kenadie in particular has been so great. She has been there for me from the day I landed in SF. She is always ready to serve and is there when I need her. She has spent hours in the ER with me and will come over and cheer me up in a heartbeat. She also pushes me to do new things and go on fun adventures. My nanny kids are probably the best medicine I could ask for. They seem to sense when I need the extra hug or cuddles. I remember one night when I was just physically and emotionally exhausted. We were watching a movie and they all just wanted to cuddle. I had the 7 year old on my lap and the baby wanted to sit with me. Since there wasn't room he was content with just holding my had. He held it for probably 45 minute and this is from a very active two year old who never holds still. That night I had tears of gratitude and peace.   All these things prove to me that I am where I need to be and that I am being watched over.

My time in the city has been so great despite my hardships. I feel in love with it from the moment I landed. I never thought I would like living in a big city but now it doesn't even faze me. I have learned to drive in the insane traffic and how to drive like a Californian. My experiences have helped me kind of decide what I want to do in the future. I stopped going to school because I couldn't decide what to do with my life. Now I am thinking I want to major in Early Childhood Education and Deaf Studies. I got into school at Utah State and they offer a dual major in this. When I finish grad school I will have two teaching degrees. I start in January of 2017! San Francisco has been great for me these past eight months and I can't wait to see what the next five months bring. They may not always be easy but it is all apart of the adventure!

Nanny Tara

So it has been a long time since I updated the old blog. I decided now is a great time because a lot has changed in my life! I actually can't believe this is my life right now.

I MOVED TO SAN FRANCISCO!!! 

I accepted a job as a nanny for a family here. I started this process at the beginning of July where I was told it could take a while for me to be placed with a family. Well I got a call for an interview just a couple weeks later. Long story short I accepted the job with the family! As we spoke the more excited I got for the opportunity and it sounded like a great fit for me. I was nervous about leaving my comfortable and good life in Pocatello. All my family and friends are there, but I was sitting in church one day when I got the feeling that I need to explore the world a little more. I felt like my place wasn't in Pocatello and I needed to explore being a nanny. The nanny thing is fantastic because I get to work with children, which I LOVE, and I get to work with the whole family as well. I am so excited for this opportunity and can't wait to see what it brings. 

I have been here for three days now and I am loving it! When I first got off the plane I was pretty overwhelmed. I am just a small town girl and I was suddenly in a gigantic city! I quickly fell in love with it. My first night here I meet up with another nanny named Kenadie. She had actually reached out to me before I even got to San Francisco. I am so glad she did too. She is so fun to be around and she has been a big help to me figuring out this place. That first night we went and walked to the beach which isn't far from my new house. Then Friday night we went to Fishermens Wharf and Union Square. I loved it! Fishermens Wharf is totally a tourist place but I could spend a lot of time there! You can see all these silly little seals and you have a great view of Alcatraz and the ocean. I want to do more exploring there and look into the shops. There seemed to be a lot of cute shops that I can do some Christmas shopping! At Union Square we saw street performers and they were a lot of fun! We also walked and walked and walked a lot. I think I will be doing a lot of that in San Francisco. The hills here are also so intense and steep! You definitely get a work out wherever you go in this city. I am so so excited to explore this place more. I have plenty of time since I will be here for at least a year! 

I do miss my old job at TLC and everyone there. I also miss my family and friends back in Idaho. I just know that this is the place I need to be right now. I get to meet the children in the morning and I am so excited! I have already fallen in love with this city and feel at home here.  This is going to be such a fun adventure!  

Count Your Many Blessings....

Lately the hymn, Count Your Blessings, has been running through my head. I am seriously so blessed! I have my struggles and trials just like everyone else but the blessing in my life far overshadow those! So I thought I would make a list to remind myself just how blessed I am.

1. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! I seriously love the gospel so much! I don't know how I would even be able to function without it. The knowledge it gives me in my life brings me so much peace. I am so grateful that I have a knowledge of the Atonement that brings me peace and comfort in everything! I could go on and on about the blessing the gospel brings to my life.

2. My parents! They are two of the most amazing and strongest people I know! I mean they have to put up with my and my 2 siblings after all. They are always there for me no matter what. I can't even count the times I have called both of them up or gone home to get their advice. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have the 2 parents that I have. I was incredibly blessed when I was sent to these parents! They help keep me sane when life gets crazy.

3. My sister and her family! My sister is my best friend and we have come a long ways since we were younger. Mandy is always there for me and listens to me cry and complain about everything.  She gives me the best advice, even if I don't want to hear it at the time .She also has 4 of the cutest kids around whom call me Aunt Tara! I love them all so much!

4. My brother is also an amazing example to me! I have seen him go through so much with his health and other things. I don't think I have ever heard him complain throughout the whole process. Aaron doesn't say much, but when he does you better listen! He is so wise and I have heard him offer some great advice!

5. My friends! I have some of the best friends around! They are awesome and are always there for me. I can't even tell you how grateful I am for them being in my life! I meet them just when I needed them the most. They have helped me through so much! They help me laugh even when I don't want to.They are also trying to help me overcome my fears and helping me be the person I want to be.

6.  All of my extended family! I was so blessed to grow up right around the corner from most of my family and only 30 min from the rest. I know that I can call anyone of them up and they will be there for me in a minute.They also happen to be hilarious and we are constantly laughing when we get together.

7. The Temple! I love that I only live 45 minutes away from the temple! I love the peace and comfort I get from just being on the temple grounds. I always leave feeling so much better about life and so calm. I also love what the temple represents. I love that I can be with my family for eternity because of the ordinances preformed there.
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8. The YSA 11th Ward! I am so grateful I moved into the ward. I have moved into a lot of wards but never have I felt more accepted than in this ward. I have an amazing bishopric and their wives are also amazing. I am learning and growing from being in this ward.

9. My health. I have been going through a few health problems the last few years and it has been really hard. The doctors couldn't give me any real explanation until this past May. Now I have finally found a good doctor in Utah that has me on the right track. My health still isn't perfect but it is so much better than it was even 6 months ago.

10. I am grateful for organ, eye, and tissue donation. All 3 have greatly blessed my siblings and I. Aaron with his kidney, Mandy with heart valves, and me with a new cornea. I am so grateful for the people and the families who have donated. It is truly a selfless act! If your not already an organ, tissue, and eye donor you can sign up here...  http://www.donatelife.net/

Now these are just a few things that I am grateful for. There is so much more and I have been blessed with an amazing life. I am not always perfect and I will murmur and ask why me, but then I look around and realize life is good! Hopefully this list will help me keep perspective :-)

My Parents

So I know almost everyone thinks they have the best parents in the world, but I really do! As I get older the more I realize just how lucky I am. My parents really center their lives around what us kids need, even though we are all adults now. I can say I think I need them more as an "adult" than I needed them as a child. They help guide me through this crazy world that I am in. My parents are literally my best friends. They understand me at a level very very few people do. There is no one I trust more in this life than them. A few years back I lost almost every friend I had and they were the ones that stood by me. My parents have dealt with so much in their journey in parenthood. They have had 3 children with major health problems and they dealt with the death of one of them. Then they have to deal with me and I know my struggles haven't always been a walk in the park for them. I know they probably had their struggles through all the ups and downs in life, but they have never let us see that. They are our rock and stability when everything seems to crumble around us. They honestly don't get even half of the credit they deserve!

My Momma-is such a hard worker. She always does her absolute best in every situation. Sometimes I think she sets really high expectations for herself, but it shows how dedicated she is in everything she does (I also take after her in this area  and it tends to make things more stressful for us haha). My moms life has always been centered around her children. I know that I can always turn to her for anything and she won't judge me. I also know that no matter what she will always love me for who I am. Mom is our cheerleader in life. She is always there to support our decisions and help us achieve our goals. I love that my mom loves to try out new desserts, she is the dessert queen! Everyone tells me how much I look like my momma and I am so glad I can be her blonde haired look alike. One of my favorite memories of mom growing up is whenever we were sick, mom would stay up with us and say, "If I had a magic wand I would wave it and make it go away...but I don't have one." haha! But I know that she really would take upon her every pain and heartache if it meant her kids were happy and whole. I love you mom!

My Daddy- is also one of the hardest workers I know. Growing up I watched him taking care of the farm and putting such long hours. Both parents have taught me the importance of hard work and doing my best. Dad is also the rock of our family. He gives some of the best advice and he is so in-tune with what each of his kids needs to hear (even if we don't want to admit it at the time). Dad has also taught me the importance of having a sense of humor through the hard times in life. Dad is always telling me how tears won't help and they will only make me feel worse. My dad has this amazing ability to calm me down when no one else can. Any future men in my life will have to take lessons from dad on how to deal with me. He talks me through my fears even when he doesn't understand them himself. Dad even let me drive his car today because he knew I was scared of the highways and his car has all wheel drive. I am proud to say that I tend to act a lot like my dad. The older I get the more I catch my inner Russ coming out. Someday I hope to find his strength and faith. One of my favorite dad memories was when we were walking home from milking cows one day. Dad and I were ahead of the others that day and we decided to scare them. Dad put me on his shoulders and we stood under the bridge in the ditch. When the others went by we jumped out and scared them.. I sure love my daddy!

I can't even begin to describe how much I love and depend on my parents. I was so blessed when I was sent down to them. Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing when He did that.  I don't know how my parents have been able to go through all that they have and still be so strong. Many people have told me, "I can't imagine being your parents and going through all trials they handle". Well I can't either but they sure handle everything perfectly!  So mom and dad I just want you to know how much we all love and appreciate everything you do for us. I hope I can even be half the parents you guys are when I am blessed with children. Also thank you to both of my grandparents for raising my parents the way you did and supporting them and us grandchildren through everything.

Goodbye 2012....Hello 2013!

Well 2012 we weren't the best of friends but I think we learned a lot from each other. I have been looking back at this past year and it was a little rough. I struggled with more physical and emotional pain than I have ever had to before. Even through the trials I can see how blessed I have been through them. There are so many days when I have  a constant prayer that says, "please just get me through ___...then I will be ok" and almost always those prayers were answered. I am far from being perfect with letting go and putting 100%  of my trust in the Lords hands, but this year has taught me more about that than ever before. I have this part of me that thinks that I am strong enough that I don't need help but Heaven knows that that isn't true! I have had to learn to lean on and seek out more help than I have ever needed in my life. So although I may not have enjoyed the trials of 2012 I am happy for the lessons I have gotten from them. Here are my top 10 favorite things about 2012 (in no particular order) ...

1. Getting my job back at TLC. Ok this was technically in Nov 2011 but I started to realize just how big of a blessing this is the past year. It is so nice working for a place that takes such good care of their employees. They have never even blinked an eye through all of my medical appointments and procedures.

 

2. My cornea transplant. This seemed like a trial in the beginning but the more my eyesight improves the bigger blessing it is for me. Thank Heavens for the donor and their family that made it possible. And so far everything has gone perfectly and is healing ahead of schedule.

 

3. The first batch of little German Shepherds. Keiko had her first liter 3 days after my cornea transplant. I woke up and Sherry had come over to help me feed the 3 dogs and there they were. She had 4 puppies, 3 boys and 1 girl. They boys were a mini Hoss and the little girl looked exactly like her momma. They were so much fun to play with and watch grow. It also looks like 2013 will see at least two more liters by the end of March. :)

 

4.    The benefit for my brother Aaron. To help offset the cost of his upcoming kidney transplant we held a benefit in Aaron's honor. It was so amazing to see the generosity of so many people. We received so many nice donations to be auctioned/raffled. So many businesses went far and above what we could have ever expected. Then the people that came to the benefit were also so generous. It was a pretty great success all the way around.

 

5. Anita's visits to Pocatello. Anita is my best friend who loves to travel. She hasn't lived in the same town as me for almost 2 years now. She was able to visit twice and we had a lot of fun while she was down. Very few people understand me like Anita does.

 

6. Working and attending church with Sara. I have been so blessed to have Sara as the lead teacher in the room I work in. I feel like we get along really well and she was so awesome through all of my medical stuff that past year. It affected her life a lot as well working with subs and switching me shifts so I can go to appointments and stuff. She has also helped me a lot with moving into a new ward. I get so nervous in social situations and having her there at church has made it more comfortable to be there. Looking forward to being roomies in August!

 

7. Seeing the revolving relationship with my parents. I have been an adult for awhile now but the past year I have seen more of an adult relationship than a parent/child relationship with them. My dad and I have had really good talks the past year that shows to me that he respects my opinion. This has also happened with my mom and I's conversations. What would I do without my parents? They are two of the main people that carried me through the past year. They have probably seen enough of my tears to last them a lifetime. They honestly don't get even a tenth of the credit they deserve. They are the strongest people I know and I hope someday I can have a marriage like theirs and the relationship with my children that they do.

 

8. Grandma and Grandpa Averys 60th anniversary! With weekends off now I can actually attend family functions. Helping grandma and grandpa celebrate was really fun. I got to see extended family that I haven't seen in a long time. I also got some really cute pictures with both grandparents.

 

9. Getting to work with all of the little Muppet babies at work. Kids are seriously the best! We had some really great kids in our class the past year. They have a way of turning any day into a good day. It seems like they know exactly when I need that extra little hug or cuddle time. I have been so blessed to be able to work with all of those little one year olds. I doubt I will ever leave this job.

 

10. My roommates. I have learned things from every one of them. I have been really blessed to have such good roommates. We have a lot of fun together. They have helped me come out of my shell a little more than usual. I look forward to see what new adventures we can get into.

 

 

I am so looking forward to what 2013 will bring me. I am determined to make this the best year yet!