Life and its Transitions

Here I am in yet another transition in my life. My time in San Francisco sadly came to an end at the end of September (I will have to write another post on my last few weeks in SF). I miss those kids and the beautiful city so much! About two weeks after moving home I moved to Logan Utah. I am  here to go to USU in January and wanted to be settled with a job before school starts. So here I am in Logan, working in the deli at Walmart, and signed up for school in January. I am in a transition. I am here in this town, that I am growing to love, and trying to figure out where life is taking me. I'm trying to make a social life but I work until at least 10 pm every night and it makes it hard. Thank goodness for my roommates and their friends that come over to the apartment and humor me haha. I also love that I live 5 minutes from the temple and have been able to go there often. I love the love, comfort, and peace that I feel there. Still I feel the sting of transition. Life is full of transitions and I know that they will keep coming. I still hate them. I have a comfort zone and until I feel comfortable I can be painfully shy. I  don't know if anyone has seen the real me here yet. I am comfortable with my roommates but I am just not home often when they are. I also worry about intruding on peoples lives. Might sound stupid but it is how my anxiety thinks. Anxiety also doesn't make transitions easy for me. Something my dad always tells me, put the Lord first and everything else will fall into place. I know this is true and I am striving to live this principle but I like to see the whole plan and I am only getting small pieces at a time.  I think I am constantly trying to be taught patience but I am also very stubborn. I should probably work on that..... All this being said, I know I am where I am supposed to be. I know that I am on the path that Heavenly Father wants me to be on and that His plans are always greater than mine. I am excited to see what is in store for me here in Logan, Utah. So here is to learning to embrace and enjoy the transitions that life is full of.

Happy 27th To Me!

So I just turned 27! It seems so weird to say that. Didn't I just turn 18? 21? shoot 25?. I feel like I have been celebrating my birthday for the past 4 days. One day I went and got my hair done, the next I toured alcatraz and went to dinner with friends, the third day I spend with Kenadie and watched the warriors game, and then tonight I had dinner with my nanny family. Overall it has been a great weekend and I felt loved by all the posts and phone calls to celebrate my birth.

I have a really good feeling about my 27th year! I have been thinking today about what I hope to achieve in this year. Mostly I want to work and build my relationships and to become a better me than ever before.

I want to build my relationship with myself. My parents have always told me that I am way too hard on myself, which I am beginning to see is true. I expect a lot of myself and want to be perfect. It just isn't going to happen. I am human! This year I want to try and focus on doing my best and accepting that perfection just isn't going to happen. I have also been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time now. It isn't something I talk about often because it its kind of a taboo subject. But it is apart of who I am. This year I want to do a better job at combating my depression and anxiety the best that I can. I have been taking note of things that tend to help with it. Getting outside helps me a ton. I have loved just going on walks and clearing my head. Listening to music and just pushing the stress aside for the time. I find that sitting on my couch and watching netflix night after night makes things so much worse. So this year I want to limit my tv time and find new hobbies and new activities to do outdoors or just things to occupy my time besides tv or social media. Going back to school this year should help with that :). Yet I want to be sure I use my time wisely this year and schedule time for not only school and work but for myself as well. I think it is really important for me to make sure I have a little time in there for activities I enjoy so that I don't totally stress myself out and put too much on my plate at once.

One of the big things I want to do this year is build relationships with others. This past year in San Francisco I have realized I should have done a better job at making more friends here. I didn't take advantage of my singles ward like I should have. If I have one regret about my time in San Francisco it is this...Don't get me wrong the friends I have made here are so great and I love them dearly, but there are so many I think I would have loved to be friends with. Now my time is almost up and then I have to start all over again in Utah. Putting myself out there to make friends is really hard for me. Again my anxiety plays a major role in this. I am shy until I get to know someone and/or feel comfortable in the situation. I tend to sit by myself in a corner all the while hoping someone will come over to talk or sit with me. It doesn't happen as often as I would like and when it does I am so shy that I don't make to many friendships from it. So my goal for this year is to stop sitting alone and actually going and sitting by someone and starting a conversation. I also want to go to institute and ward activities, something I have never been good at doing before. These are also suggestions my dad has told me to do over and over again. Sorry dad that I haven't listened before but I am finally ready to now. This one is going to be so hard for me to do so it might take baby steps to complete, but I really want to do this. I want to make the most of my time in Logan and build the friendships like I left back in Idaho. I need to have confidence in myself and let others see who I really am.

Last but not lease,  I want to build my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the gospel. I have had a weird year where I doubted and I was also kind of angry about some of the trials I face, but I also had a year where I have felt my Heavenly Fathers love more than ever before. I KNOW He is there for me, guiding me, and most of all loving me. Sometimes it is hard for me to feel that because I get so prideful. I think I can do things on my own and I have things handled. I also sometimes feel like I deserve the pain I am feeling. But WHY? I don't have to be alone in any of this. The Savior is the only one who KNOWS exactly what I am feeling. He has paid the price for me and for all of us and if I don't use this gift it was all for not. The Savior and the Father love me no matter what I have done. This year I am going to try and put aside my pride and accept Their help. Why am I struggling to do things alone when I just have to turn for Heavenly help?

So these are the things I want for myself this year and I can't wait to see what it brings! There is bound to be struggles and obstacles in making these goals, but there is always going to be. If I keep making baby steps toward my goals I know I can make this the best year yet!

Life's Adventures

So I have officially been in San Francisco for 8 months! What an adventure this has been! It sure has been a roller coaster and I have learned so much about myself; but first let me tell you about my nanny family.

I feel so lucky and blessed to work for the family that I do. I just love them all. I get to work with three kids, a seven year old girl and four and two year old boys. They are really great kids. The seven year old loves to do anything crafty and always wants to look on pinterest with me to find our latest project. She is also very much into gymnastics and has been practicing her cartwheels and front flips constantly. It took me a little bit to win this feisty little girl but now that I have she is so sweet. The two boys are into everything vehicle. They both love to watch construction and play with their many toy trucks. The two year old always asks to watch tractor videos on youtube. The four year old is one of the sweetest little boys I have ever met. He compliments if he thinks you look pretty and always says things that make my heart melt. The two year old has so much energy but so cute and knows how to work his cuteness. Both parents and their family around here have been so welcoming and great to work with. I feel so appreciated and I just love these kids, even on the hardest days.

As much as I love my job and this city, it hasn't always been easy. I have probably never been so lonely in my life. I have made some great friends here but it has been difficult being away from my family and friends back home. I got so used to always being on the go and with someone that it has taken some adjusting to doing things on my own, especially in such a big city. I have spent many nights in tears so lonely and wondering if anyone cares. I spent my first Thanksgiving all by myself and that was really hard. I took myself to a movie and buried my sorrows in chocolate. I have probably questioned everything in my life while in this dark place. I questioned my faith, my self worth, my relationships, and my ultimate goals in life. Despite all these hardships, I have NEVER once regretted my decision to move to San Francisco and being a nanny. Recently in a book I have read called, After You, the main character said this, "Because there would be lonely days. And bad days. and days when I wondered what the hell I had just agreed to be part of. Because that was all part of the adventure too." I have felt all of these things, but it is just a part of this adventure. I have learned and grown so much because of those lonely and hard days.

To try and combat these lonely days I have enrolled in an American Sign Language class. It is so hard but I love it. We are working on being able to form sentences and be able to communicate. This class allows me to get out once a week and socialize with a variety of people. My teacher is great and so funny. I think I am starting to improve and maybe just maybe catch onto everything he is trying to teach us. I have also learned how important my faith is too me. I may have questioned at first but I have had experiences here that helped me hold onto my faith. I started going out with the missionaries to help them with lessons. I started to do it for the socialization and ability to get out of the house. It then turned into me getting very passionate about the subject matter. I have also learned who will always be there for me. My parents will always be there for me. Thank goodness I have a mom who sends me hundreds of pictures of the puppies and is willing to answer my daily phone calls. My dad has been so great on my darkest of days, talking me down and giving me great advice. My sis has also had the kids send me pictures they have colored and we have skyped a lot. I have  had friends back home who will randomly call me. These calls have always been very well timed. It seems like they always come when I am feeling particularly down.  I have also been blessed with great home teachers and sisters in the Relief Society, and other nannies. They have all been there for me when I have needed it, whether it has been for blessings or just needing to talk to someone. Kenadie in particular has been so great. She has been there for me from the day I landed in SF. She is always ready to serve and is there when I need her. She has spent hours in the ER with me and will come over and cheer me up in a heartbeat. She also pushes me to do new things and go on fun adventures. My nanny kids are probably the best medicine I could ask for. They seem to sense when I need the extra hug or cuddles. I remember one night when I was just physically and emotionally exhausted. We were watching a movie and they all just wanted to cuddle. I had the 7 year old on my lap and the baby wanted to sit with me. Since there wasn't room he was content with just holding my had. He held it for probably 45 minute and this is from a very active two year old who never holds still. That night I had tears of gratitude and peace.   All these things prove to me that I am where I need to be and that I am being watched over.

My time in the city has been so great despite my hardships. I feel in love with it from the moment I landed. I never thought I would like living in a big city but now it doesn't even faze me. I have learned to drive in the insane traffic and how to drive like a Californian. My experiences have helped me kind of decide what I want to do in the future. I stopped going to school because I couldn't decide what to do with my life. Now I am thinking I want to major in Early Childhood Education and Deaf Studies. I got into school at Utah State and they offer a dual major in this. When I finish grad school I will have two teaching degrees. I start in January of 2017! San Francisco has been great for me these past eight months and I can't wait to see what the next five months bring. They may not always be easy but it is all apart of the adventure!